Do you ever think about healing?
I can hear some of you ask “healing from what?” I’m talking about the healing of your emotions.
The reality is that life for many of us brings us a mixture of pleasant and painful experiences. (I’m not even gonna touch on when pleasure and pain intersect).
Sometimes the painful experiences lodge in our heartspace and headspace.
Ultimately until we work through how the seeds of our past are blooming in our present lives, our wounds will go unhealed.
As I was reflecting recently, I came to the realization that healing is a huge part of my mission and purpose.
So, I am inviting you to join me on a journey of exploring more deeply what your healing status is, and what you want it to be.
I also hear some of you saying “the past is the past.” I feel you, but here is the thing; the past doesn’t really stay in the past until we metabolize it and come to some understandings of it. That means we must go through the pain and not around it. And here is the real uncomfortable clincher: “You cannot think your way out of a wound, you have to feel your way through it.”
I already know from working with clients and from my personal experiences that many of our inner wounds and trauma may not be conscious. This means we are blind to them. I don’t know if that scares you but all I’m gonna say is “we repeat what we don’t heal.” This is why this work is cri-ti-cal.
My vision is that we step into healing of our inner wounds, mindsets, relationships and our legacies.
So let’s kick start the conversation.
Some common inner wounds (often experienced in childhood, but also can occur in later life) are:
Let’s focus on abandonment for this article:
The abandonment wound can come from loss of love itself. It is can also come from the loss of other types of connections. Generally a deep sense of loneliness is the result. This type of wound can come from
An abandonment wound can lead to some negative patterns. It can lead persons to feel emotionally dependent on their partners and their closest circle. They feel that they really cannot manage by themselves. It can also lead to a fear of being rejected, and invisible barriers to forming connections.
Subconsciously we fear being abandoned, but we are very likely to keep repeating the cycle of abandonment, hoping that we will one day resolve it and thereby master it. When we play out a fear of abandonment we may sound like: “I’ll leave you before you can leave me”, “nobody supports me, I am not prepared to be there for anyone else.” These two belief systems can make forming connections difficult. Despite the deep desire to connect, the fears and the risk of abandonment can act as a barrier.
There may be deep insecurity and feelings of unworthiness to receive love, affirmation or support. When there is a fear of abandonment we can be hypersensitive to criticism and to separation (real or perceived!). Not hearing from a loved one for a short period of time can create intense distress. Imagine, calling your man/woman 7 times in a row until they pick up. All because of separation anxiety.
Another possible consequence is choosing relationships in which our needs are not prioritized. If we are not accustomed to someone counting our needs as important, we internalize that and pretty much act in ways that confirm this “truth.” In many ways it is a self-fulfilling prophecy. We say “I believe my needs are less important than yours, so let me repress what I need. Let me focus on what you need. This is the most familiar way I know to get you to love me and stay with me.” People-pleasing patterns, anyone? And let’s be clear, this ‘selfless’ giving can be laced with resentment in relationships. We can also play out a pattern in which we expect our partners to read our minds, and we lash out when they do not. It’s can be a vicious, passive-aggressive cycle of not using our voices, casting our partners as the directors of our lives, while secretly hating them for it.
Do any of these experiences resonate with you?
Here is some help to frame our stories and not become consumed by them:
Healing is not always comfortable. It can be messy work. It costs us bravery and vulnerability. The alternative though, is several future generations paying for what you considered too expensive.
In the next blog in the series, I will share more about the rejection wound. Stay tuned!
Email me at email@example.com or connect on IG @whitelotusblooms.
Kamala P. McWhinney is God's Idea. I am academic, I am creative,I am dreamer. My name is Hindu for Lotus. Given the beautiful symbolism of the Lotus Flower I have embraced it as a metaphor for my evolving, my surviving and my thriving.