Healing is the children's bread: the abandonment inner wound

 
Do you ever think about healing?
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I can hear some of you ask “healing from what?” I’m talking about the healing of your emotions.

The reality is that life for many of us brings us a mixture of pleasant and painful experiences. (I’m not even gonna touch on when pleasure and pain intersect).
Sometimes the painful experiences lodge in our heartspace and headspace.
Ultimately until we work through how the seeds of our past are blooming in our present lives, our wounds will go unhealed.

As I was reflecting recently, I came to the realization that healing is a huge part of my mission and purpose.
So, I am inviting you to join me on a journey of exploring more deeply what your healing status is, and what you want it to be.

I also hear some of you saying “the past is the past.” I feel you, but here is the thing; the past doesn’t really stay in the past until we metabolize it and come to some understandings of it. That means we must go through the pain and not around it. And here is the real uncomfortable clincher: “You cannot think your way out of a wound, you have to feel your way through it.”

I already know from working with clients and from my personal experiences that many of our inner wounds and trauma may not be conscious. This means we are blind to them. I don’t know if that scares you but all I’m gonna say is “we repeat what we don’t heal.” This is why this work is cri-ti-cal.

My vision is that we step into healing of our inner wounds, mindsets, relationships and our legacies.
So let’s kick start the conversation.
Some common inner wounds (often experienced in childhood, but also can occur in later life) are:
 
Abandonment wound
Rejection wound
Betrayal wound
Injustice wound
Humiliation wound
 
Let’s focus on abandonment for this article:
The abandonment wound can come from loss of love itself. It is can also come from the loss of other types of connections. Generally a deep sense of loneliness is the result. This type of wound can come from

• Loss of a relationship (romantic or otherwise) due to a breakup. This can also look like having a partner cheat.
• Loss of love from a parent. This is a subjective experience. Of note is the fact that the parent may be physically present, but there are emotional barriers to accessing their love and approval.
• A parent who is emotionally unavailable or distant due to migration, divorce or neglect. A parent who is physically or mentally unwell or otherwise overwhelmed by their own needs can also contribute to an abandonment wound. Imagine also having a frequent experience of waiting for your parent/s to pick you up from school, deliver on their promises or being sent to boarding school or to live with other relatives. Based on their own trauma, some parents may put too much emotional responsibility on their child/ren. This can exist with an alcoholic or substance-dependent parent, or nurturing your mother through a rough divorce. Imagine a parent who also believes “you shouldn’t keep any secrets from your children.” The extent of information can be too mature and too overwhelming for a child and they may feel guilty speaking up for their needs in light of their parent’s drama.
• Loss of a parent or nurturing figure due to death. Being placed for adoption or literally being neglected at birth can also be powerful painful experiences.
• Loss of a job, a dream or an identity
• Loss of a sense of purpose. This can come from a sense of spiritual/religious failure or transition or loss of a job including retirement or redundancy
• Loss of health; especially if this results in real or perceived separation from others. This can be experienced as loss of ability to do things your peers can do. Imagine the case of a child who falls ill and is not able to play like their friends.
• Exclusion from your peer group. Bullying can be a huge contributor to this. As mentioned above, sickness can also cause this. Watching your friends playing outside when you can’t, is one possible source of separation and loss. Being labeled as sickly or teased for your condition can also contribute to this.
• Children can experience abandonment when a sibling is born and they feel less loved or less seen and heard. In families where there are many siblings born in close succession, a child may feel that his/her needs are neglected. The oldest children in a family may have responsibility to care for the younger ones and they may feel that their needs are pushed aside.
• Parents can experience abandonment when their children leave home and they have an “empty nest.”

An abandonment wound can lead to some negative patterns. It can lead persons to feel emotionally dependent on their partners and their closest circle. They feel that they really cannot manage by themselves. It can also lead to a fear of being rejected, and invisible barriers to forming connections.

Subconsciously we fear being abandoned, but we are very likely to keep repeating the cycle of abandonment, hoping that we will one day resolve it and thereby master it. When we play out a fear of abandonment we may sound like: “I’ll leave you before you can leave me”, “nobody supports me, I am not prepared to be there for anyone else.” These two belief systems can make forming connections difficult. Despite the deep desire to connect, the fears and the risk of abandonment can act as a barrier.


There may be deep insecurity and feelings of unworthiness to receive love, affirmation or support. When there is a fear of abandonment we can be hypersensitive to criticism and to separation (real or perceived!). Not hearing from a loved one for a short period of time can create intense distress. Imagine, calling your man/woman 7 times in a row until they pick up. All because of separation anxiety.


Another possible consequence is choosing relationships in which our needs are not prioritized. If we are not accustomed to someone counting our needs as important, we internalize that and pretty much act in ways that confirm this “truth.” In many ways it is a self-fulfilling prophecy. We say “I believe my needs are less important than yours, so let me repress what I need. Let me focus on what you need. This is the most familiar way I know to get you to love me and stay with me.” People-pleasing patterns, anyone? And let’s be clear, this ‘selfless’ giving can be laced with resentment in relationships. We can also play out a pattern in which we expect our partners to read our minds, and we lash out when they do not. It’s can be a vicious, passive-aggressive cycle of not using our voices, casting our partners as the directors of our lives, while secretly hating them for it.

Do any of these experiences resonate with you?

Here is some help to frame our stories and not become consumed by them:

1. Trauma happened to you. It doesn’t have to define you. You have a choice.
2. Experiencing trauma doesn’t mean that your parents or loved ones intentionally harmed you. It does not mean that you are branding them as evil. Resist the urge to feel guilty for naming your experiences as painful.
3. I know that we can be very attached to our perception of our ‘happy childhood’ or ‘good life.’ This can make us resistant to naming and claiming any experiences that wounded us. Let me remind you to guard against binary thinking. Both things can be true: I can have some wounds and still have had a happy childhood. If it wasn’t that happy, then we have more to gain than lose by speaking our healing truth.
4. You are the author of your story. If something happened that was significant to YOU, then it is significant. Practicing this truth-speaking can be healing all by itself.
5. It can feel overwhelming to address the issues all at once. That is not necessary for the healing work. There is no race. Take your time. Just keep showing up for your healing.
6. Here are some steps for the healing journey: Feel your way through it.
7. Journal about what happened and how it felt for YOU. Reflect on what you needed in that situation. How can you develop a habit of giving that to yourself now? For eg. maybe some emotions were frowned upon in your family. You have learned to repress anger and you cope by acting like everything is always ok and avoiding confrontation. What you may need now is to give yourself permission to own all of your emotions. Find healthy ways of expressing them and investigate what messages they have come to share with you.
8. Identify how your body stores the memories and the trauma: are you anxious, do you feel heavy? Do you feel trapped? Do you feel numb?
9. Connect with your body and practice breathwork, mindfulness and meditation to counter the negative responses somatic experiences. This takes consistency and intentionality.
10. Seek a support space where you can share your experiences without judgment, if you need to.

 
Healing is not always comfortable. It can be messy work. It costs us bravery and vulnerability. The alternative though, is several future generations paying for what you considered too expensive.

In the next blog in the series, I will share more about the rejection wound. Stay tuned!


Email me at [email protected] or connect on IG @whitelotusblooms.